Office by Alex Penny
With less than 12 hours to go until crudely hand painted banners flutter limply from the railings of Cardiff’s ugliest building, tension is high.
“Is it normal to be panicking this much?” asks a potential candidate. Well, yes. This year’s elections promise to be almost as hard fought and ridiculous as previous years. Can the spectacle match the enthralling ‘Girlfriend, best mate, flatmate’ battle for last year’s Student Media crown? Does the Athletic Union sit on perilous ground, with potential candidates disease riddled, conquest seeking or just plain unsportsmanlike?
And already, the candidates are falling over themselves to appear nonchalant, cool, calm. Inside though, it is obvious many are barely holding on to the shit they didn’t throw into their hastily constructed manifestos. Not that it matters, because in student politics (just like real politics) policies mean jack shit compared to balls out, in your face publicity.
For some, it is already too much and at least one candidate (Mark Jordan, who had one of our favourite taglines; Air Jordan - Slam Dunking for Healthcare) has dropped out. He would have been a firm favourite with this blog, thanks to his use of the word ‘vociferously’ in his opening manifesto sentence. Win some, lose some, wreck some. But let’s be honest, medics don’t want to be integrated, so what the bloody fuck point is there in a Healthcare Student Integration Officer? Just call it ‘Cardiff Medic University’ and they can all bugger off and have little medic wank parties where they talk about intravenous drips and rectal examinations.
Back on topic, with paranoia. Many candidates have expressed worry that their teams might not be up to the job. As we quoted earlier in this blog, “I can lead a team, but I can’t lead a team of pussies.” Having a team willing to be degraded almost as much as yourself (or at least, point out how degraded you are) is surely a vital part of any successful election campaign. Which teams have gotten themselves the student equivalent of Saatchi and Saatchi? I guess that remains to be seen.
As for peeing? That was just for the title, but I’d be surprised if there aren’t a fair few candidates making more toilet visits than their usual excretory requirements.
