Fuck yeah! Student elections!

Phew!  Hello lovelies, it’s been a busy day.  In all my years of watching, I’ve never seen a day where so much hype was followed by so little.  So, I went digging like Alan Titchmarsh in Charlie Dimmock’s backyard, and here’s what I found.

I’ll start where we all love to be; AU.  So many things to say here, that it seems pointless saying them because you’ll have forgotten them by the time I’ve finished.  Let’s start with how bloody irritating the AU campaigns have been so far.  The amount of anti-feeling towards one candidate’s aggression staggered me to the point where I thought about coming out of my hide to deck the shouty wanker.  I soon realised, however, that taking on a man of his stature was probably an unwise move.

He is not the only one; plenty of the candidates are so aggressive they make Mike Tyson look like a field of daisies in Belgium.  Tip lads and ladies; you’re supposed to make people like you, not think you’re a twat.

Which brings me nicely onto the… curious promotional short from Supersam.  In which he calls himself a twat.  And paints himself as shit at sport.  And calls a fat guy fat.  As our good friend and colleague Gordon would say, “it might be a spade, but for fuck’s sake in politics, don’t call it a spade.  It’s a hyper eponomic earth movement solution.”  At least it was short; take note, marathon man.

Before we move away from AU, it seems awfully traditional to mention those three dreaded letters: IMG.  ”I want to make sure IMG rugby is sorted.”  ”I want to bring IMG rugby back.”  ”I will make sure there’s IMG contact rugby again.”  You fucking idiots.  To be fair, at least those that mentioned it know what it is…

And onto the wider picture, via a series of bullets because I’m sure, by now, you just want the blunder and not the anal-ysis I’m a little rusty with.

• Zabell-end.  Zabell.  End.  Bellend.  Wow.
• You probably need to know something about sport to be AU president.
• The Summer Ball lost £60,000.  So unless you’re paying for it, don’t say it’s going to happen.  
• A twenty minute drunken appearance on Xpress Radio, before storming out, is not presenting experience.
• Being into cheese and wine evenings is not a policy.
• Mariokart is not available on Megadrive.  Megadrive and Nintendo are two totally different things.  And that apostrophe was useless.
• Looking like a Welsh paedophile with a part time involvement in the GLC in your manifesto photo is like asking people to vote for Ron.
• Just because you’re the women’s officer, doesn’t mean you have to be a bloody feminist.  Men have feelings too.  I don’t know a single rapist and I know loads of blokes.
• No one likes the rozzers, so why are you campaigning as them?  I’m worried you’ll start kettling troublemakers.  I say no one does, Hosni quite liked his.

Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.  From a distance.  I’m the one with the grubby trousers and the over active eyes.