Fuck yeah! Student elections!

FYSE don't do manifestos, but if they did...

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 17:47:49 +0000

This is a genuine manifesto from UWE student elections. Amazing.

Samuel Barnard

I am a human being. I have needs, wants and interests similar to those of most other human beings. I am genuinely just like you, unless you live in a mansion with a swimming pool. Then I’m nothing like you. I want to live a fulfilled existence of social interaction with the growth of knowledge through discussion. I like a breadth of music, not all. Everyone else seems to like all music, I don’t believe them. I have an observational interest in politics but since the ConDem government it’s become clear that the public voice must be proactive and so I live up to this. I can do this, that and the other yet most of these things I can do everyone usually seems to laud as some exceptional set of skills that lend themselves to the role so I may as well just say “ditto to the person above”.

Manifesto
I pledge that, if elected, I will do whatever management tells me. I will pass on their message to the student as best I possibly can, using the best of my rhetoric and hyperbole to make it sound as motivationally uplifting as possible despite the destruction it’s causing to the university system. I will aid them as best possible in turning the place of learning into the market place. I will make sure that when you go to the bar you’re forced to listen to music you don’t want to listen to and watch TV adverts that have no relevance to your lives.
I will do my best to buy a clown suit so that when I go to governor meetings I can wear it, to show what a mockery of student politics I’d be making. I will bring a horn, for when I disagree with what’s being said, and a bell, for when I agree with what’s being said. The horn won’t be used much; dissent leads to questions and complications and that could take time and effort away from making sure the student body is kept nullified and content.
Above all, I will make the buses run on time. Late buses are really annoying and easily fixed by making a pledge in your manifesto. The bus management aren’t really doing anything about it already, Clearly they need me, with no prior experience, to come in and fix the Bristol road network for them.
Bullet Points
Do what management says. Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir.
Copy management rhetoric, use their slogans, pass on their messages.
Dress like a clown occasionally, because student politics is all a big joke anyway.
Don’t feel like voting me? At least I’m not making claims I can’t keep.
Buses, buses, buses. Ok my last point may not have been wholly accurate.

Blunderwatch with Bill Oddie: day one

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 21:57:00 +0000

Phew! Hello lovelies, it’s been a busy day. In all my years of watching, I’ve never seen a day where so much hype was followed by so little. So, I went digging like Alan Titchmarsh in Charlie Dimmock’s backyard, and here’s what I found.

I’ll start where we all love to be; AU. So many things to say here, that it seems pointless saying them because you’ll have forgotten them by the time I’ve finished. Let’s start with how bloody irritating the AU campaigns have been so far. The amount of anti-feeling towards one candidate’s aggression staggered me to the point where I thought about coming out of my hide to deck the shouty wanker. I soon realised, however, that taking on a man of his stature was probably an unwise move.

He is not the only one; plenty of the candidates are so aggressive they make Mike Tyson look like a field of daisies in Belgium. Tip lads and ladies; you’re supposed to make people like you, not think you’re a twat.

Which brings me nicely onto the… curious promotional short from Supersam. In which he calls himself a twat. And paints himself as shit at sport. And calls a fat guy fat. As our good friend and colleague Gordon would say, “it might be a spade, but for fuck’s sake in politics, don’t call it a spade. It’s a hyper eponomic earth movement solution.” At least it was short; take note, marathon man.

Before we move away from AU, it seems awfully traditional to mention those three dreaded letters: IMG. ”I want to make sure IMG rugby is sorted.” ”I want to bring IMG rugby back.” ”I will make sure there’s IMG contact rugby again.” You fucking idiots. To be fair, at least those that mentioned it know what it is…

And onto the wider picture, via a series of bullets because I’m sure, by now, you just want the blunder and not the anal-ysis I’m a little rusty with.

Zabell-end. Zabell. End. Bellend. Wow.
You probably need to know something about sport to be AU president.
The Summer Ball lost £60,000. So unless you’re paying for it, don’t say it’s going to happen.
A twenty minute drunken appearance on Xpress Radio, before storming out, is not presenting experience.
Being into cheese and wine evenings is not a policy.
Mariokart is not available on Megadrive. Megadrive and Nintendo are two totally different things. And that apostrophe was useless.
Looking like a Welsh paedophile with a part time involvement in the GLC in your manifesto photo is like asking people to vote for Ron.
Just because you’re the women’s officer, doesn’t mean you have to be a bloody feminist. Men have feelings too. I don’t know a single rapist and I know loads of blokes.
No one likes the rozzers, so why are you campaigning as them? I’m worried you’ll start kettling troublemakers. I say no one does, Hosni quite liked his.

Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. From a distance. I’m the one with the grubby trousers and the over active eyes.

FUCK! A juggling tiger! He features in the gallery we uploaded...

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 21:33:41 +0000

FUCK! A juggling tiger!

He features in the gallery we uploaded today, and if you click through you can see it too.

Thanks to Jake Yorath for the photos. Good thing he hasn’t got a life, or we’d be fucked for imagery.

"I don’t like how people can just add you to random groups. I feel violated."

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 12:07:46 +0000

“I don’t like how people can just add you to random groups. I feel violated.”

- Hear that Facebook? This poor girl feels violated. We do too.

Vote Henry Burton - He’s not racist.

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 11:53:57 +0000

Vote Henry Burton - He’s not racist.

Follow us on Twitter!

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 11:50:00 +0000

We’ll be doing most of our live updates from Twitter: but we will, of course, be sharing to here and to our Facebook page as well (link on the left).

"@fuckyeahcardiff I really want to change me profile pic to your #tigerblood poster!"

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 11:04:29 +0000

“@fuckyeahcardiff I really want to change me profile pic to your #tigerblood poster!”

- Oliver Twist (@O11Y) on Twitter. That’s the spirit son. That’s the spirit.

"I want to get a Thatcher t-shirt… I can’t find any positive ones though!"

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:52:00 +0000

“I want to get a Thatcher t-shirt… I can’t find any positive ones though!”

- Modern students are just not following the ideals set by their forebears.

Tigerblood coming out of our ears. Seven rocks a night just...

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 23:33:00 +0000

Tigerblood coming out of our ears. Seven rocks a night just isn’t enough for a bunch of mad fuckers like us.

Panic! Paranoia! Peeing!

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 22:57:52 +0000

With less than 12 hours to go until crudely hand painted banners flutter limply from the railings of Cardiff’s ugliest building, tension is high.

“Is it normal to be panicking this much?” asks a potential candidate. Well, yes. This year’s elections promise to be almost as hard fought and ridiculous as previous years. Can the spectacle match the enthralling ‘Girlfriend, best mate, flatmate’ battle for last year’s Student Media crown? Does the Athletic Union sit on perilous ground, with potential candidates disease riddled, conquest seeking or just plain unsportsmanlike?

And already, the candidates are falling over themselves to appear nonchalant, cool, calm. Inside though, it is obvious many are barely holding on to the shit they didn’t throw into their hastily constructed manifestos. Not that it matters, because in student politics (just like real politics) policies mean jack shit compared to balls out, in your face publicity.

For some, it is already too much and at least one candidate (Mark Jordan, who had one of our favourite taglines; Air Jordan - Slam Dunking for Healthcare) has dropped out. He would have been a firm favourite with this blog, thanks to his use of the word ‘vociferously’ in his opening manifesto sentence. Win some, lose some, wreck some. But let’s be honest, medics don’t want to be integrated, so what the bloody fuck point is there in a Healthcare Student Integration Officer? Just call it ‘Cardiff Medic University’ and they can all bugger off and have little medic wank parties where they talk about intravenous drips and rectal examinations.

Back on topic, with paranoia. Many candidates have expressed worry that their teams might not be up to the job. As we quoted earlier in this blog, “I can lead a team, but I can’t lead a team of pussies.” Having a team willing to be degraded almost as much as yourself (or at least, point out how degraded you are) is surely a vital part of any successful election campaign. Which teams have gotten themselves the student equivalent of Saatchi and Saatchi? I guess that remains to be seen.

As for peeing? That was just for the title, but I’d be surprised if there aren’t a fair few candidates making more toilet visits than their usual excretory requirements.

"I can lead a team but not a team of pussies."

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 21:39:00 +0000

“I can lead a team but not a team of pussies.”

- One candidate is beginning to be worried their team might not be up for the cup…

"If the Socialists get in, I’ll cry! Can you sabotage them?"

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 21:27:00 +0000

“If the Socialists get in, I’ll cry! Can you sabotage them?”

- A good friend of FYSE; to be fair, she might have a point. Nothing would ever get done, they’d always complain whatever settlement they got. However, we’re not here to sabotage anyone.

Powell 'proud' to have thwarted tyrant

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 09:21:08 +0000

Sarah Powell has come out strongly opposing Olly Birrell’s ill-fated tyrannical leap of faith last night, saying that she is ‘proud’ of being a thorn in the side of facism.

The Student Media editor, responsible for gair rhydd, Quench, Xpress Radio and CUTV, was thought to be one of the main reasons the current president and self proclaimed ‘eternal leader’ of the Union did not get his motion for extended terms.

The news team at Student Media have endured a tough year featuring almost no news and this positive publicity comes as a welcome boost in confidence going into what is traditionally the most stressful week of them all.

Our expert, Hosni Mubarak, had this to add; “Birrell was right to back away from this motion,” mused the one-time supreme power in Egypt. ”It is foolish to attempt such a plan without the support of the civil servants, your media outlet and your army. I wish him all the best, however, and I think their could still be room for us to work together in future.”

However it has panned out, we’re just glad it’s taken away an excuse for Socialist Students to shout, whine and stand up during meetings of the student body and delay everyone’s rush to catch Glee on E4+1.

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are..."

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 09:13:48 +0000

“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”

- Plato. Does he mean ‘dumber’, or ‘dressed in the most dumb costume’?

Birrell 'tried to form one party Union'

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 20:53:00 +0000

Shocking reports have reached us suggesting that current Union President Olly Birrell attempted to pass a motion where he could, theoretically, waive students’ right for an election and simply declare himself president for life.

The news, which comes at an awkward time for the much respected figure, was passed to us by a source who wishes not to be named but did say this:

“It’s scary, when someone goes crazy on power like that. He was running around, ordering people to ‘do his bidding’. I couldn’t believe it. What kind of democracy is that?”

It is believed the plan hit a stumbling block when current media editor Sarah Powell refused to back Birrell’s controversial motion, leaving him without a state news organisation, vital for a true dictatorship.

More as soon as we hear it.

We’re proud to announce that during the week we’ve...

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 19:45:31 +0000

We’re proud to announce that during the week we’ve got Bill Oddie on board to bring you Blunderwatch! Bill has over 30 years experience of watching, and last year he helped campaign with the lovely chap in the photo.

Glad to have you on board, Bill!

In all honesty, we’ll disappointed if this doesn’t...

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 19:27:06 +0000

In all honesty, we’ll disappointed if this doesn’t happen at least once during the coming week. But which two will it be?

Remember to choose wisely. There might be a hidden...

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 17:54:08 +0000

Remember to choose wisely. There might be a hidden Thatcher…

"I should probably care; I’m here for the next four years, but I just can’t work up..."

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 17:26:58 +0000

“I should probably care; I’m here for the next four years, but I just can’t work up sufficient apathy.”

- Bystander. We predict a long week for this chap.

"My plan is to annoy people."

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 17:22:57 +0000

“My plan is to annoy people.”

- Anonymous candidate when asked what their plan for the week was. Hardly unique, it has to be said.